


From Dusk till Dawn

by I_ran_out_of_books



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Enemies, Gay Merlin (Merlin), Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Threats of Violence, cursing, no editing we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:02:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26903320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_ran_out_of_books/pseuds/I_ran_out_of_books
Summary: Merlin and Arthur meet when they're just little boys. They grow up together and become best of friends until everything goes wrong. Uther forces the two apart but merlin never knows why.Years later the two meet again only now they each have their lives. Arthur wants to get to know Merlin again but Merlin is still hurting. Arthur has to win Merlin back and in the process come to terms with his own sexuality.
Relationships: Elyan/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwaine/Merlin (Merlin), Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Percival (Merlin)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No posting schedule. Go crazy go stupid lets get it.

The first time Merlin and Arthur meet they're three and five. Merlin has chubby cheeks and black curls and Arthur deems him worthy for play time. At the park with Arthur's nanny, Rebecca, and Hunith sitting on a nearby bench is where Merlin and Arthur seal a pact to be best friends forever. Sticky fingers and dirt streaked cheeks are the passageway to a lifetime. 

"You be the princess and I'll be the knight!" Arthur commands and holds his stick sword aloft. 

"I don' wanna be princess," Merlin says, pouting. 

Arthur thought for a moment, a sad Merlin just wouldn't do. He saw it as his duty to protect his friend, afterall he was little and nice. "Then you can be my wizard best friend. The princess is stuck on the tower at the top of the slide and we have to rescue her." 

Merlin lit up, "We're coming for you!" He yelled to the empty tower and picked up a stick of his own to serve as a wand. 

Three hours later they'd defeated a dragon, fought an army of evil knights, rescued the princess and even gone on some side adventures. Merlin made Arthur a potion out of mud and grass so that he could rub it on himself and turn invisible. 

At the end of their playdate when they both approached the adults covered in mud and with smiles as big as they'd ever been the two exchanged phone numbers. Four play dates a week at the park saw to it that Merlin and Arthur didn't break their friendship pact. 

\---

When they're six and eight they sit under the giant oak at the park, tired after a long day at school. Merlin goes to public school and Arthur goes to a fancy private school his Father put him in. Uther never comes to the park but Rebecca is nice and she sticks around because she hates it when Uther yells at his children. She keeps them prim and proper and out of the way. 

Arthur reads a book of folktales to Merlin. Little red riding hood carries the basket for her mother through the forest. 

"Why didn't the mom go?" Merlin asks. 

"She's busy. Maybe the dad should've gone." 

"Do you have a dad?" Merlin asks, looking away from the picture of little red in the darkness of the trees. 

"Yeah but I don't have a mom. She died when I was born." Arthur doesn't stop looking at the picture although really his mind is focused on Merlin. Will he think Arthur is weird? He's met Merlin's mom tons of times, she always has snacks and warm hugs to spare even for a motherless child like Arthur. 

"I don't have a dad, he left when I was little," Merlin offers up. It's his way of saying, we're not so different you and I. 

"When we grow up we should get married," Arthur suggests and it makes perfect sense, "That way we can always be with each other and never leave. Plus that way we don't have to marry girls." 

"Pinky swear?" Merlin asks and sticks out a chubby pinky. 

"Pinky swear." Arthur seals the deal with his own pinky and they shake on it twice. 

Much relieved Arthur returns to his read aloud. He makes the part about the wolf eating little red not so scary so that Merlin won't be upset. All the while he's reading Arthur can't wipe the smile off his face, he can't wait to marry Merlin and play every day. 

When he gets home he runs from Rebecca disconnecting their hands and going to his father who reads at the kitchen table with two fingers of whiskey by his side. 

"Daddy! I'm going to marry Merlin!" Arthur cheers and jumps up and down. 

He expects his father to be just as excited but instead he's met with the sound of Uther's book slamming onto the hardwood, "Boys don't marry boys," Uther sneers, his finger in Arthur's face. Uther might not go to the park but he knows who Merlin is. In fact, he knows everything about Merlin and Hunith after a background check, that's the kind of thing you can get away with when you're ultra rich and the CEO of your own company. You ask and things get done. 

"Don't listen to him," Morgana says as she walks in, she's fifteen and smack dab in her rebellious phase, "Arthur doesn't know what he's talking about. He's an idiot." 

"Morgana!" Rebecca chastises. Her face is flushed with blood, she wishes Arthur had mentioned something on their walk home so that she could have warned Arthur not to say anything to Uther. 

Morgana rolls her eyes and walks to the kitchen. In reality she was helping, making Arthur seems small and dumb so that Uther wouldn't think it was worth it to yell at him. She'd known her father long enough to know what made him tick and what didn't. Secretly she's quaking inside because boys don't marry boys so what would Uther think about the way she loves girls? She doesn't say anything, only grabs a cold soda from the fridge and walks back out leaving the room tense but at least less focused on Arthur. 

Arthur has returned to the safety of Rebecca's side and is holding her hand. "Sorry daddy," Arthur tries. 

Uther picks up his cup, takes a swig of the bitter liquid. "That's alright, Arthur. We all make mistakes." But his stern gaze doesn't say it's alright at all and Arthur knows better than to pay attention to the words and not the body language although he is only eight. Growing up walking on eggshells you learn a thing or two quickly enough. Arthur won't make that mistake again for a long time. 

When Merlin is walking home hand in hand with Hunith he tells her. "Me and Arthur are going to get married when we're old and play everyday and we won't ever leave each other." 

Hunith smiles and she knows. "That sounds fantastic dear."

\---

When Arthur’s eleven he puts on weight. He’s a chubby kid and at school there are plenty of people who find it funny. 

“I want to punch them all!” He yells under the oak where once upon a time he proposed marriage. 

“Why don’t you?” Merlin thought about punching Arthur’s bullies himself. 

“I’ll get in trouble with my dad.” Arthur sits cross legged on the ground, his belly turning to rolls under his shirt. More than ever he’s conscious of it. He likes to eat when he gets upset and that means all the time when he’s at home. His dad mentions it too and it makes Arthur feel ugly, he wishes he could just rip it off or make it go away. Morgana calls it baby fat and says it’ll melt off when he’s bigger. 

“My mom told me if someone bullies you then you should give them a good wallop.” Merlin knew his mom must be right, she always knew everything. “I don’t think your dad would mind.” 

“Really?” 

“Really. Besides they deserve it.” 

Arthur agreed. 

The next week Arthur was not at the park. Everyday Merlin waited for him and everyday he left back home with an empty feeling in his chest and a bad one in the pit of his stomach. On Saturday Merlin returned ready to be disappointed once more but this time he spotted Arthur’s blond hair shining as he hung off the monkey bars. 

“Arthur!” He yelled and took off sprinting, “Arthur!” 

The blond boy hopped down onto the mulch and turned to Merlin. He had a shiner visible from across the playground. It was turning a nasty yellow color, finally healing. “Hello, Merlin.” 

“Did you get in a fight?” Merlin asks, eyes wide. 

Arthur nods, proud. “You should see the other guy.” He heard that on TV once, he almost giggled as he said it but he pulled it off. 

Instantly Arthur was the coolest person Merlin had ever met, well he always had been but now he was even cooler. “Let me see!” He said and leaned in to inspect Arthur’s eye. There are brown spots mixed with yellow and Merlin thinks of an old banana. “Does it hurt?” 

“No,” Arthur lies. 

“Did you win the fight?” 

“Yes,” Arthur says and puffs his chest. It wasn’t much of a fight, really it was more like two children grappling and windmilling their arms but Arthur considers it a ferocious battle and since the other kid cried that means Arthur won. “I got suspended for a week. My dad was furious.” 

It had cost Uther an extravagant donation to Arthur’s private school so that the young boy could remain. When Arthur tried to explain what happened Uther had grown even angier. He railed at Arthur for letting Merlin influence him, although really it was Arthur’s decision. ‘This is what happens when you hang around common people,’ Uther had grouched and thumped a fist against the dinner table. Then Uther showed Arthur what a real punch looked like. 

Arthur was grounded in his room for a week and only allowed to eat once a day. 

“Are you alright now?” 

“Yeah, I’m alright.” Arthur’s eyes drifted away from Merlin’s gaze. Arthur hadn’t gotten the black eye from the fight. He told Merlin nothing. “Wanna play tag?” 

“Yes!” Merlin cheers and begins to back away from Arthur only to stop. “I missed you,” he admits to his best friend. For some reason he’s embarrassed. 

Arthur smiles, the crinkles at the corner of his eyes hurt his black eye but he won’t stop smiling anyway. “I missed you too and …”

Merlin leaned in to hear what Arthur had to say. 

“I’M GONNA CATCH YOU!” He yelled and ran at Merlin. 

Merlin cackled and took off at a sprint for the second time that day, this time away from Arthur. 

\----------

At thirteen and fifteen the two of them have discovered girls … sort of. Merlin sits in Arthur’s room, allowed over for the first time. He flips the magazine upside down, “I don’t understand.” 

“Ugh, Merlin,” Arthur sighs but in truth he doesn’t understand either. 

The magazine is his fathers and it always remains hidden away under his bed. Arthur knows what a naked girl looks like now but still not everything makes sense. For Merlin this is his first time and he seems more puzzled than anything else at the sight. Arthur rather likes it although it looks more complicated than his own equipment. He is sharing a precious sight with Merlin. 

“What! It’s a hole!” Merlin cries. 

Arthur can’t help but burst into laughter. He laughs so hard his eyes blur with tears and he flops onto his bed. Merlin will never cease to make Arthur laugh. “You’re so weird, dude.” 

“I hardly think I’m the weirdest person in this room right now. I mean seriously, this is what you like?” 

“Oh don’t get all high and mighty, Merlin!” Arthur says, “You like it too.” 

Merlin makes a face, doesn’t correct him. He doesn’t like it but he doesn’t hate it. She’s just sort of there and naked much like a chair is a chair and a desk is a desk. He figures if he tried he could find her appealing, maybe she wasn’t his type. 

“Come on flip it,” Arthur says and looks over Merlin’s shoulder. 

Merlin ignores his warmth and flips the page. New girl, same feeling. Arthur’s hard in his trousers and he adjusts himself without shame, it’s only Merlin after all. 

“Really? Nothing?” Arthur asks and looks down at Merlin’s lap. 

Merlin covers his lap with the magazine and yells at Arthur to stop looking. His own trousers begin to grow tighter. He doesn’t know what did it, honestly at his age a stiff breeze does it. 

“I knew it,” Arthur smirks. 

That magazine never makes it back under Uther’s bed. 

\---------

“Fifteen doesn’t feel different than fourteen,” Merlin says. It’s a day after his birthday and Arthur is laying in his bed, his head resting on Merlin’s tummy. 

“It will,” says seventeen year old Arthur but he sounds a hundred. 

Despite the age difference the two have remained fast friends. Distance, strict parents, and age pose no barrier to the friendship the two have made for themselves. They tell each other everything and anything, are as close as two people get in heart and mind. Arthur flourishes when he’s with Merlin.

“What’s wrong?” Merlin asks, he can tell just by Arthur’s tone he’s not alright. 

“Morgana moved out.” 

“Oh,” is all Merlin can think to say. The two fight all the time but Merlin knows Arthur loves her. In a strange way Uther’s tyranny has made them closer. They‘ve survived him together. “Why?” 

“I’m not sure. They had a big fight in the library and I couldn’t hear but when Morgana came out she went straight to her room and started packing. She was crying. I’ve never seen her cry like that before.” 

Arthur worried he’d hit her but as he looked her over he could tell the hurt she was feeling wasn’t skin deep. Besides, Uther only ever hit Arthur, he liked Morgana better. Uther never said it out loud but it was obvious in everything he did. Arthur would never know it was because he was the spitting image of his late mother. Uther would’ve rather Arthur died than Ygraine. They could always make another kid but he couldn’t find another Ygraine. 

“Where did she go?” 

“She left with her friend. They’re living together now she texted me pictures of her new room.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“I think I’m mad at her but that doesn’t make sense,” Arthur said. Despite being older, when it came to emotions he was stunted compared to Merlin. 

“It does make sense. She left you alone with your dad. It’s not really her fault but you can understand something with your brain and not your heart.” 

Arthur was scared to go home. He hadn’t seen Uther since yesterday when he locked himself in the library and didn’t come out again. It wasn’t as if Uther beat him senseless, Arthur supposed he should be grateful to have a dad in the first place or at least that’s what Uther said often enough anyway. But despite it all he couldn’t help feeling afraid. He never knew if Uther would be happy or mad and one way or another it always ended badly for Arthur. Without Morgana as a buffer he didn’t have a clue what to do.

“Can I just stay here forever?” He asks Merlin, looking up at him through his eyelashes. 

Merlin looks down at Arthur and feels like he can’t breathe, “Of course.” He wonders if he could’ve even said no if he tried his hardest. Merlin doubts it. 

\----------------

Uther goes on a month-long trip and leaves Arthur all alone once he turns eighteen. The servants remain and they keep him alive but there’s a big difference between alive and living. Arthur lives day by day, getting up, going to school and always doing exactly what he’s meant to. 

After school is rugby practice. His team mates like him well enough but he’s a goody two shoes who won’t drink or smoke or have sex. Uther is strict and it never even crosses Arthur’s mind to break the rules. 

The fat that clung to him in his earlier years has long faded and now he’s cut and lean. Arthur is handsome and girls notice him. He notices them back. He tells Merlin about a girl named Elena, how she’s clumsy and funny and loves to break rules. 

Merlin listens quietly. “You should throw a party, invite her.” 

“What?” Arthur asks, he can’t even imagine it. 

“Your dad’s out of town,” Merlin provides. He doesn’t know what’s gotten into him, usually he’d never encourage Arthur to do something that would get him in trouble even though he doesn’t know how much trouble Arthur really gets in. But he’s something close to angry, with himself or Arthur he can’t tell. Merlin hates Elena and Arthur hates parties. This will be punishment enough for both. “I’ll come,” he adds. 

Arthur’s downfall is he’s a people pleaser. Whoever is nearby is the person he caters to, some part of him needs to be liked so badly he’s willing to face the fury when Uther returns. 

He throws the party and it’s a disaster.

He invites the rugby team and their girlfriends plus Elena. Half the school shows up. Cheap alcohol gets passed around which is bad enough but then someone breaks into his father's liquor cabinet. None of the brain dead teens appreciate the taste of barrel aged whiskey as they chug it down and vomit it later. 

Arthur thinks about Elena, at least she’s here. Tonight he’ll make a move, his father be damned. Merlin hands him beer in a solo cup and Arthur drinks it all in one go. Warm piss in a cup. He hates it but pretends it doesn’t gross him out. Merlin gives him a thumbs up although he hates every second of it and watches as Arthur marches away in search of a girl to kiss. 

Arthur finds her soon enough, in Morgana’s old bedroom. He would’ve asked her to get out of it as politely as possible except she’s laying on the bed making out with Gwaine. Arthur hates Gwaine. Gwaine is better than him at rugby. Merlin thinks Gwaine is funny. And now this. 

“Get out of here!” He yells at them and half pulls them off the bed. 

“What the fuck!” Gwaine snarls but Elena holds onto him and pulls him out of the room. 

“Sorry, Arthur,” she calls over her shoulder as she and Gwaine stumble out. She means it in more than one way. 

Now it’s Arthur who goes to his father’s cabinet. He finds some cheap spiced rum and drinks it like water. He holes himself up in Morgana’s old room, lays his head on the pillow Elena’s head had rested on. 

“Arthur?” A voice comes from the other side of the door. 

“Merlin?” He hates the shaky way his voice comes out. 

Merlin bursts in and sits on the edge of the bed. Arthur can’t stop himself from crying. If he’s honest with himself he doesn’t know why he’s crying he just knows his insides hurt. They always hurt. He sits up and drinks more. The room spins and he hates himself for being a lightweight, yet another way he falls short. 

“I’m sad,” Arthur whispers and it’s barely audible over the thumping music downstairs. 

“I know,” Merlin says. Guilt is eating him on the inside, he wishes he’d never suggested a party to Arthur. 

Arthur shakes his head, takes another swig so that the bottle is half empty. “All the time. I’m sad all the time.” 

Merlin’s heart breaks a little. “I know,” he says and this time he throws an arm over Arthur’s back. 

The party rushes on into the early hours of the morning but Arthur and Merlin are gone. Merlin takes Arthur home to Hunith. Arthur is drunk off his ass after finishing the bottle of rum. He threw up twice on the way over and he looks like hell. He’s still crying. 

“Oh, Arty,” she says and goes to him, holds him up. 

Twenty minutes later she’s tucking Arthur under a blanket on the couch. “Thank you,” he croaked, throat sore, “I wish you were my mom.” 

Hunith feels her chest squeeze for him. “I am,” she says. “Get some rest. I’ll be here when you wake up.” 

When Hunith goes into the kitchen it is to a pale Merlin, shuffling from foot to foot. “This is my fault,” he says. 

She sits at the small dining table in the kitchen. “Sit,” she orders. “Tell me everything.” 

And he does. He tells her what happened. He tells her why it happened. He tells her everything. It ends with Merlin blubbering in tears and shaking. Hunith hugs him and tells him she will love him forever, no matter what. No matter if he throws parties and gets drunk and loves who he loves. 

Merlin hates himself and his jealousy for what it does to Arthur that day but he’s glad to have the mom he does. Hunith says nothing about Arthur, that maybe Merlin’s love isn’t unrequited. It’s not her place. 

Arthur sleeps better on Hunith's couch than he ever does in his own King sized bed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life gets hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There is violence and verbal abuse in this chapter as well as the F word.

When Uther arrives back from his business trip it’s to a clean house and the maid taking his coat. They don’t mention the rager thrown by the young Pendragon, they think it was about time he acted his age. The maid doesn’t quite scowl at Uther but her face changes when she spots Arthur hunching over and making himself small as his Father approaches. 

“How were you, boy?” Uther says and walks to the liquor cabinet. 

Arthur feels hell freezing over as his father nears it. He’s sweating bullets but he won’t give himself away yet, perhaps his father won’t notice the missing bottles. “Good. Tell me about your trip.” 

Uther’s thin lips curl in a smile. He pours himself two fingers and takes a sip, he takes his time before he answers Arthur’s question. Finally when he’s good and ready he turns and sizes up his son. 

“My trip? Oh it was fine.” 

Arthur’s stomach starts to churn, Uther is far too calm, being too pleasant. 

Uther walks over to the kitchen counter, where Arthur leans, and takes another swig. “Actually,” he says, “It was great. I closed the Saxton deal.” 

Arthur forces a smile onto his face. He’s good at this, at pretending to be alright when he isn’t. He’s the image of a shining golden boy with a perfect life as his father stares at him. 

“So imagine my surprise,” Uther continues, “When I get a call from Brian next door. Apparently his son came home plastered. You wouldn’t believe where he said the party was.” 

Blood runs cold in Arthur’s veins. He says nothing, only notes the twitch in his father’s eye. 

“Where’s my rum?” Uther asks quietly. 

Arthur swallows, he’s doing the math in his head. To tell the truth or to lie. “I drank it.” 

A slap rings out through the kitchen, the maid scurries away. Arthur’s ears ring and his cheek stings but he won’t give his father the satisfaction of holding his reddening cheek in pain. Heat blooms and prickles at his skin. 

“I trusted that I could leave you alone,” Uther snarls and starts pacing, “Of course I was wrong! What was I thinking leaving my worthless son on his own!” Now he’s hollering, waving his hands while he looks at Arthur as if expecting a response. 

“It won’t happen again.” 

“As soon as I leave you turn into the depraved little piece of shit you really are,” he roared, “Did you get drunk? Did you do drugs? Have sex? I swear to God if you got a girl pregnant you’re out of this house.” 

Arthur who hasn’t so much as had his first kiss wants to cry. He’s not a bad kid, he tries his hardest to please his dad but he just can’t seem to get it right. “No I would never! It was just going to be a little get together, dad! Only a few of my friends from rugby practice.” 

“Don’t you lie to me!” Uther yells and steps up to Arthur, grabs a fistful of blonde hair from the back of the boy’s head. Uther’s always been a big man and he feels even bigger when he holds Arthur and forces him to look up into his face. But he miscalculates, Arthur’s not quite that little anymore. 

He’s gotten big from rugby and he’s almost as tall as his dad. His sky blue eyes turn icy and he rips himself out of his father’s grip, leaving behind a chunk of wheat blond hair. He doesn’t care. 

Uther’s surprise only lasts a second and then he’s baring his teeth, “Oh are you a big man now?” 

Arthur doesn’t say anything, just stands in place breathing like he ran a mile. 

“You’re nothing but a fucking faggot!” 

The word cuts through all of Arthur’s anger and slices right into his brain. Faggot. Arthur’s a Faggot. It’s not the first time his father’s called him that but it certainly doesn’t feel any less painful every time he says it. 

“Yes I’m a faggot!” Arthur finally yells back, he hates the way his eyes are tearing up. He’s balling his hands up into fists and seeing red. He hates his father with his entire soul. The way Uther reels back for a moment gives him endless pleasure. 

“What the hell did you just say to me?” 

“What?” Arthur asks, turning his features into wide eyed and clueless but it doesn’t work. Uther’s fingers are painted on his left cheek and the tears glittering in his eyes speak of all the things he understands too well. “That’s what you’re always saying, right? So sure dad. I’m a fag. Who gives a fuck.” 

Uther swipes his whiskey off the counter and launches it at Arthur’s head, it misses by an inch and shatters on the wall. Arthur doesn’t so much as flinch as the glass turns to dust. “It’s Merlin!” He yells, “Merlin who turned you against me! He’s the one who's filling your head with rebellion. I’ve had enough of that boy!” 

Fear returns to Arthur full force, he wants to keep Merlin out of this. “I’m pretty sure Merlin’s not the one who beats me,” he lets slip. 

Uther stiffens. He’s never considered what he does to Arthur ‘beating’ it’s more like discipline. He stares at Arthur standing there panting and he reads his son clearer than he’s ever read before. Pretty soon Uther won’t be able to handle him anymore, but he needs him. Uther needs an heir to run his business empire one day. He needs Arthur broken and docile to mold to his will and he knows how. He sees it in Arthur’s eyes as they look at one another: Merlin. His son's biggest weakness of all. 

“I’m sending you with Agravaine. We’ll see if a year with him won’t get you straightened out.” 

“I’m not going anywhere!” Arthur rebukes. He’s not going to leave Merlin, that’s all he has in this world. 

“If you don’t go,” Uther says and begins to grow calm once more. He leans his back on the counter and crosses his arms, “I will see to it that Hunith loses her job. No one will hire her in all of England.” 

Arthur’s mouth runs dry. Merlin and his mom have never been well off, in fact it’s quite the opposite. Merlin had holes in his jeans before it was cool. Hunith needs her job as a front office receptionist or the two of them will be out of their little house and onto the street. 

“You wouldn’t do that,” Arthur says but even as he says it he knows it’s true. He takes a shaky breath and falls into one of the dining room chairs. 

Uther can tell he’s broken Arthur’s spirit. God knows when the boy managed to build it up but he couldn’t let that happen. He’d get him away from Merlin as soon as possible. 

\-------------------------

Arthur: Come over? 

Merlin: Yeah  
Merlin: Are you ok? 

Arthur: Ya dad took my phone for the month. 

Merlin: Are you still grounded? 

Arthur: Yes but I found my phone. Dad went out to dinner with country club friends.  
Arthur: I want to see you. 

Merlin reads those last words over and over. He wants to see Arthur too. When he runs downstairs and asks Hunith to drive him over she smiles. Maybe she should be annoyed but the way Merlin’s grinning from ear to ear and hopping from foot to foot won’t let her. She drops him off and delivers a special mom hug to Arthur. Arthur always holds her for a second longer than Merlin and she holds him right back. That boy deserves more hugs than he gets. 

They walk upstairs to Arthur’s room in awkward silence. A month’s worth of separation created a layer of ice between them and neither knows what to make of it. They walk into Arthur’s room and hang around the entrance. 

“It’s nice to see you,” Arthur says and it comes out formal and stilted. He cringes at himself as the words hang in the room. He says it as if Merlin’s a business partner, Arthur wishes he wasn’t so inept at being socially smooth. 

He’s sure Merlin will hate him now and he’s not sure why. Because he’s awkward, because they haven’t talked in a month, because the last time they were together Arthur got drunk and weepy. 

Merlin cracks a smile that radiates 100 watts. Its warmth melts right through the ice and touches Arthur. He laughs and extends a hand, stands ramrod straight, “Ah! And it’s good to see you too, Mr. Pendragon.” 

Arthur slaps his hand away. “Idiot,” he says. 

“Idiot,” Merlin answers and before he can overthink things he lets himself step forward and wrap his arms around Arthur. 

Hunith and Merlin are the only people Arthur knows who hug, he’d never known what an affectionate household was like before them. He doesn’t know what to do with Merlin in his arms but he wraps his own around the younger boys waist and squeezes. They stand, chest to chest, heads resting against each other for several moments. A month is far too long. 

When they part, Arthur swallows hard because he knows he has to destroy one of the most beautiful moments of his eighteen years of life. He memorizes Merlin’s soft smile as he backs away. 

“I have something to tell you,” Arthur half whispers into the space between them. He feels guilty although it's not his fault. 

Merlin’s heart races in his chest. He imagines Arthur leaning in and capturing his lips, confessing his love. “Yes?” 

Arthur turns around and walks to his bed, he slumps down on the mattress and looks up at Merlin like he’s terrified. “I’m moving.” 

It takes Merlin a moment to process the words that come out of his mouth. Merlin feels as if Arthur’s plunged a knife into his chest. He falls into the chair at Arthur’s writing desk. “When?” 

“Three weeks.” 

A twist of the knife. “Where?” 

“To Oxford with an uncle from my mom’s side.” Arthur watches the way Merlin’s face falls even though he tries to hide it. He feels like a piece of shit for being the one to put that look on Merlin’s face. 

“But you can’t leave! The school year isn’t over and your rugby team has the playoffs and - and,” Merlin struggles to find good reasons, he won’t say what he really wants to. You can’t leave me. Stay with me. 

“I wish I didn’t have to,” Arthur says, hoping Merlin can see how much he means it. 

“Then don’t!” Merlin cries. He doesn't think he’s ever been so hurt in his sixteen years of life. It might seem dramatic but Arthur is an integral part of Merlin’s world and without him it was quite simply incomplete. “We’ll run away together,” He’s only half joking. 

Arthur smiles sadly, “We can still call and text and skype.” 

Merlin refuses to let himself cry. Anger and sadness flare and tangle inside of his chest and he doesn’t know if he can look at Arthurs face anymore. “I don’t understand. Why do you have to leave?” 

“Hell if I know,” Arthur says. He doesn’t want Merlin to know that the party was the straw that broke the camel's back. But even Arthur doesn’t know the real reason: Uther’s afraid of him, of the strong willed young man he’s becoming. 

“Was it the party?” Merlin guesses anyway and he can’t help the guilt that’s gnawing at his insides. 

“No.” Arthur’s lying and he knows Merlin can tell. Arthur hasn’t been able to lie successfully to Merlin since he was nine. 

A tear falls and Merlin wipes it away angrily, he hates that he can’t hide how much this is hurting. Arthur stands from his bed and goes to kneel in front of Merlin. He stares up at that face he knows so well and the pinkening nose and watery eyes. 

Those fateful words with his father a few weeks ago flash in his mind again. He knows he likes girls, he’s sure of it but looking up into Merlin’s porcelain face he can’t help the tenderness expanding in his chest. He reaches up and wipes the tear from Merlin’s cheek. The skin is soft and warm under the pad of Arthur’s thumb. 

“I’m sorry Merlin,” He whispers and leaves his palm resting against the younger boy’s cheek. 

Merlin’s own hand comes up and rests on top, his thumb swiping over the knuckles. His tears slow and he sniffles quietly. The air in the room seems to grow still and time narrows down to the point where Merlin and Arthur are touching. His eyes flicker between eyes and lips. Like magnets the two begin to shift together pulled in by forces they could never be stronger than. 

The door bursts open and Uther’s imposing form blocks the light from the hall, throwing a shadow over the boys. The two rip apart and Arthur falls onto his butt on the floor. He looks to Uther with wide eyes and nothing but fear. He won’t let Uther hurt Merlin. 

“Out of my house,” Uther whispers to Merlin but his eyes never leave Arthur’s face. 

Merlin stands frozen with shock. He’s never seen Uther when he’s angry and the look in his eyes is nothing short of predatory, never before has Merlin felt the presence of danger so clearly before. 

“OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Uther roars and tears away his gaze from his son to pin the smaller boy with it. 

Merlin doesn’t move, his head shoots to face Arthur and they speak a million words with a single look. 

_Go_

_No. I won’t leave you._

_Leave!_

_Will you be ok?_

_That doesn’t matter. Go now._

He finally stands and moves to the door, squeezes past Uther who has remained frozen at the doorway. He catches one last look of Arthur, strewn on the floor and looking up at Uther in fear masked with defiance before the door is shut in his face. As Merlin walks away a bodily slap echoes out into the hall. Small grunts, thumps. 

Merlin freezes in place; he wants to turn around and charge in there but his legs won’t let him. His brain says _Get away get away_ and he does. He regrets it for the rest of his life. 

Uther won’t wait three weeks after he walks in on Arthur and Merlin. Nothing Arthur does deters his newest dictation: Arthur is to leave that weekend and never speak to or see Merlin again. 

Friday, the day before he’s set to leave, Arthur slips out of the house while his father is working late. He runs all the way to Merlin’s house and doesn’t slow when his thighs hurt and his lungs burn. He knocks on the door as if something were on fire. 

“Who is it?” Hunith calls out in a melodious voice. 

“Arthur.” 

The door opens and she extends her arms to him. He hugs her like it’s the last time he ever will. By now she knows all about Arthur moving and she squeezes him extra tight. She’s too old to cry as openly as her son had and she’s lived through many sad things too but still she feels a tingle in her nose and the tears behind her eyes. She’s known Arthur since he was five and she considers him hers. 

“Can I see Merlin?” He asks as they part. 

She steps aside, “He’s in his bedroom.” 

When Arthur knocks on the white bedroom door there’s no sound from the inside and Arthur knows Merlin’s ignoring him. It’s immature and quite frankly dumb, considering they have such limited time together in fact even less than Merlin thinks they do, and Merlin’s well aware that he should just open the door but he can’t. When he thinks of Arthur his chest aches, the mere thought of seeing him only to lose him is too much. 

Arthur persists at the door for ten minutes but Merlin still won’t answer. He tries to get in the room anyway but it’s locked. The sound of retreating footsteps crush Merlin but relief washes over him too, he’s just not ready to see Arthur again. Then there’s a clank against his window. He rolls over on his bed in his cocoon of blankets to face the glass, for a second nothing and then a little pebble comes flying through the air and bounces off. Then another. And another. 

“Merlin!” Arthur’s voice comes from far away, “Merlin I need to tell you something!” 

Arthur waits and waits but Merlin never comes to the window, he feels his heart sink into his stomach. Merlin already hated him and perhaps he should, Arthur was abandoning him. If only he could explain it was with good reason but he wasn’t even supposed to be here and Merlin was taking too long. He didn’t dare stay longer and have his dad make it home before him. He was still sore and bruised from the last lesson. 

Dejected, Arthur begins to run back home. He uses the air pumping in his lungs and the rhythm of his sneakers slapping against the pavement to clear his mind and when Merlin manages to sneak in he runs even harder. By the time he gets home his sides are aching and his lungs are burning, sweat is dripping down his hairline and neck. 

He runs upstairs and hops in the shower to erase the evidence of his outing and the sweat that came with it. In the shower he sits on the floor and cries. Sometimes life can feel so heavy. 

Across roads and rows of houses Merlin mirrored his position on his bed. A blanket was wrapped around him and he hugged his knees. This felt strangely like a break up and it was the worst Merlin had ever gone through, friends can break your heart too. Especially when those friends are Arthur, shining and warm and hilarious. Arthur with the golden hair. Arthur with the radiant smile. Arthur now, tall and muscular and rough with Merlin. Arthur then, short and chubby and cackling as he tried to tag him. The past and the present mix to create a very special person for Merlin and now he has to lose them. 

A short burst of anger flares, ignited by the deep grief. How could Arthur leave him so easily? How could he not even cry? How could Uther be so cruel? Then guilt. Merlin was the one who made Arthur throw that party, Merlin was the one who almost kissed Arthur. Merlin was the one who walked away and let Arthur be beaten. 

That eats him up inside like nothing ever has and his mind flashes back to the million times he’s spotted bruises on Arthur and assumed they were from rugby. He hates that Arthur didn’t tell him. He hates himself for being a coward. He’s filled with shame too. How can he face Arthur again after what he’d done? 

Too many questions floated in his head but all the answers evaded him. He remained in his bed and imagined Arthur slowly packing, boxes stacking up along the wall as he readied himself to move away in three weeks. Three weeks, less than a month. It felt like a life sentence. In his mind Arthur wasn’t crying or even thinking about Merlin, he’s just getting ready to make a new life for himself. 

\-----------------------------

Saturday arrives and Arthur wakes up feeling sick, there’s a roiling in his stomach that won’t calm down. He knows he’s leaving today but the reality of it hasn’t really hit him yet. It’s just not possible, he’s lived here all his life, he can’t even imagine what it’d be like to be somewhere else and more importantly what it’s like to be without Merlin. 

Arthur does pack, but not slowly like Merlin imagined. He stuffs clothes into a suitcase, the essentials too. That’s all. Nothing else of his old life is going with him. Uther has his phone and laptop under lock and key and even if they weren’t Arthur doesn’t think he’d risk it. If he was the cause of Hunith losing her job he just couldn’t bear it. He would be ruining Hunith and Merlin’s life for what? For his own selfish need to be around Merlin? 

Friendship paled in the clutches of real life where homelessness and hunger and danger are real things. Arthur thinks he could survive another beating or two but he can’t imagine hurting two out of three of the only people who have loved him and who he’s loved in return. 

When Merlin wakes up it’s with a pang in his heart and a knock at his door. It’s his mom and he can tell by the strong rhythm she taps out that she doesn’t plan on going away. 

“It’s open,” he calls and remains in bed. He hasn’t left it since yesterday afternoon, not to eat or use the bathroom or anything. It’s as if he’s died and all he can do is lie down and rest. 

Hunith walks in and sits on the edge of his bed, rests a soft hand on his forehead. He’s not physically ill and she knows it but she checks anyway. She moves her hand to his cheek and Merlin squeezes his eyes shut against the tears that threaten to return. 

“You should go see him,” she says. 

“Why.” 

“I think you know why, darling.” She looks at him and reads him as clearly as she did when he was a baby, it’s a skill she never loses no matter how old her son gets. 

He swallows hard and looks into her eyes. “I can’t.” 

“You need to.” 

Merlin considers telling her what he saw on that last day, about the kiss that never was. But in truth Merlin’s still little more than a child and those fears that grasp us so neatly in our youth have a way of sneaking back when things get tough. Merlin’s scared of everything, of Uther, of losing Arthur, of getting in trouble, of getting rejected. The fear immobilizes him and the pain encourages him to ball up and never get up again. 

Hunith runs a hand through this hair and says nothing. She sits with him just to be there and he has no words for how much he appreciates it. 

Uther bursts into Arthur’s bedroom without knocking, “You’re taking too long.” 

Arthur’s in the middle of zipping up his suitcase, “I’m done.” He heaves it onto the floor and pulls out the handle, gives his room a last once over. He feels nothing. This room, this house, it’s never really been his. He crosses the room and tries to roll past his dad only for a strong hand to fall on his shoulder. He freezes in place, they stand next to each other, facing opposite directions. 

“I don’t think I need to remind you that if you contact that boy while you’re with your uncle Agravaine I will know about it. If you so much as _think_ about that boy I will know about it.” Uther’s voice is low and his grip get’s harsher as he speaks. Arthur fights not to wince as he squeezes a bruise on his shoulder. 

“No. You don’t,” Arthur says. 

Uther huffs out a small laugh, as if he can’t truly believe that Arthur would dare give him any semblance of attitude after the last disciplinary session. He let’s go of the shoulder and wipes his hand on his pant leg as if Arthur were dirty and nods for Arthur to get moving. They make it all the way downstairs without a single word. 

“Go to the car I have to make a phone call,” Uther says without so much as turning to look at Arthur. 

Arthur rolls his suitcase behind him and heads to the car, at the entrance the maids stand with clutched hands and watery eyes. They’re sad he’s leaving but happy that he’ll get away from his dad. He gives them a smile, many times over the years they’ve been his accomplices. A sneaky sweet here, a pinch of the cheek there.

At the car he throws the suitcase in the boot and walks around to the passengers seat. He sits there and waits, somehow outside of his body. He knows he’s in the car but it’s not really him, he’s floating somewhere above and watching as this sullen child waits for his life to be upturned. 

When he spots a familiar figure at the gate he’s sucked back into his body and chills run up his arms. It’s Merlin, looking in through the iron swirls and trying to get in, he looks desperate. 

Arthur runs out of the car, leaves the door open and the car clicks it’s warning tune. Merlin spots him running up the driveway and signals to the bars between them, begging for Arthur to let him in. 

“I’m sorry, Arthur-” he begins then he realizes the car is ready to go. The world comes crashing down around his ears, “You’re leaving now?” 

“Yes. Merlin please you need to leave!” Arthur whispered anxiously and tossed a look over his shoulder to make sure Uther was still in the house. 

“What?” Merlin asked, recoiled a bit as if struck. 

“My dad can’t see me talking to you,” Arthur says, still looking over his shoulder. 

Now Merlin looks too and makes a decision. He reaches in past the bars and clutches Arthur’s shoulders, yanks him in. He places a clumsy kiss on his mouth. For a moment Arthur melts against him. It's Merlin and Arthur and Arthur and Merlin. It's stick swords and drunken hugs. It's cuddling on the bed and talking about the future. And then he’s pulling back, putting distance between them. He looks behind him again as if he’s afraid for his life. 

“Don’t forget about me,” Merlin begs. 

“I won’t,” Arthur assures. His lips are still tingling where they touched Merlin’s and he can’t tell if his heart is racing because of the kiss or because of anxiety but either way it’s rabbiting in his chest. 

“ARTHUR!” A voice rings out clear through the yard and smacks into the boys. Uther slams the open car door shut and stands there glaring holes into Arthur’s head. 

His son swivels like startled prey and makes eye contact with him. Arthur understands what’s expected of him. 

“I’m sorry,” he says as he turns to Merlin. 

Merlin doesn’t get to say anything before Arthur’s yelling at him. He tells him to get the hell out of there, that they aren’t friends anymore. He tells him he never liked him. He tells him he’s not gay. 

Merlin understands it’s an act but his heart doesn’t. It takes every word and stores it for later. By now Uther has made it to where they’re standing, he places a proud hand on Arthur’s shoulder and Arthur’s eyes are beginning for forgiveness from Merlin. But it’s a forgiveness he cannot give. He’s crying and as Uther smiles cruelly at him he turns on his heel and runs away. 

Arthur watches his best friend disappear, his father’s hand burning a hole through his shirt. He won’t lose it in front of his dad. In that way he’d learned to do since he was young he receded into himself, nothing could touch him now. He turned and walked to the car. He never said a word or shed a tear the entire way.


End file.
